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- How to Say No Without Guilt:
Hi.
My name is Shoaib and I'm a people pleaser.
Wow, that feels good to get off my chest.
For most of my life I've been afraid of saying no.
Afraid that it'll upset people.
So I've said yes when I should have said no. I've agreed to something when I knew I can't do it or don't want to do it out of fear of upsetting someone.
But I recently read something that taught me the error of my ways.
I'm currently reading "The 12 Week Year"by Brian P. Moran and Michael Lennington and came across this passage:
...it is okay to say no. People would rather you say no than break a promise. The challenge is that in the moment it can be hard to say no because you don’t want to disappoint anyone. They are standing right there in front of you, and you have this opportunity to contribute and help them out. It feels so much better to say yes, than no, but while saying no may disappoint in the moment, it is so much better in the long run than being overcommitted and not delivering on your promises.
It took 5 sentences to teach me something that some people spend their whole lives never learning.
The world is not going to end if I say no.
It's going to carry on spinning.
The only way to get better at something is through deliberate practice. So I researched the best way to say no to create a framework I can use to practice saying no.
Here's the 3 steps I came up with:
1. Pause.
Don't answer straight away.
Stop and think. Don't force yourself into an immediate yes. Buy yourself some time before giving a hard answer.
Here's an example response you can use:
"Sorry, I can't confirm right now. Is it ok if I check my calendar and get back to you?"
2. Ask yourself "If I say yes , will I be able to achieve a high quality?"
Can you give it your all if you said yes?
How much other stuff have you got on and will this affect the result of what you're saying yes to?
It's better to avoid saying yes and disappointing with the result. Only say yes if you'll be able to do a good job.
See how much other stuff you've got on or have committed to. Say no if you can't ensure a quality effort or if you have too much on.
3. Say no the right way
It's not what's said, it's how it's said.
There's 3 key things to remember that can help you say no without sounding rude:
• Say it clearly
• Be grateful for being asked
• Give a reason for saying no.
Example:
"Thanks for the offer. I really appreciate being asked but I can't do it as I've got a few other things on so wouldn't be able to give this my best effort."
It'll take some practice but I'm hoping through using this framework I'll become less of a people pleaser.
Thank you for being a part of the Marginal Gains community.
Every Sunday I share small simple tips to help you become your best self.
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Until next week,
Stay Thriving,
Shoaib.